Buggy

There comes a point in your life when you are a mother and you realize that your little one is fastly become her own person. That she will for not much longer be the baby you cherish. I am realizing that now. She is eating table food now and is getting a personality. She will tell you when she doesn't like someone or whatever it is you are doing. She will let you know when she is tired and when she is happy. Even though she doesn't have completely formed words, you still understand what she is trying to get across. My time as a soppy overbearing mother is about over.

Soon I will have to change to marathon runner and sheep herder. She will be up and about getting into this and that. She will be telling me that she doesn't want to take a nap. She will be telling me that she will not eat those green beans. She will be telling me that she doesn't want a bath. Then she will learn the biggest lesson of all. She will try to tell me to be quiet. That will fail miserably. She will then learn consequence...grounded. Then she will no longer be my sweet angel but the reason why I need a nap myself. I am going to literally relish every minute.

Beware of the Mark of the Idiot

The darling boyfriend wa a complete ass to me yesterday. He decided that screaming and degrading me on the phone was going to help our relationship. Uh, right, sure....Not! Then when I got home, he tried to be all peaches and cream. Uh, not going to work. Not at this juncture. When I was quiet and just talked to the baby, he asked me what was wrong. I said that I was just waiting for an apology because no one should be forced to listen to that tirade. He later apologized but it was only half sincere. He wanted me to apologize for something that I said two weeks ago. The problem was I was right and he was clearly in the wrong. He had two friends with him when he said it and they both told him he was wrong. I did not apologize. Anyway, so that is the latest on that. The only thing I can tell myself is 3 more months and I am done.

So with this in my head, I hear of the latest from North Korea. First, let me say that I have no liking of this country. Those in power continue to let their people suffer starvation, poor living conditions, and abuse their rights as human beings on a constant and seedy basis. However, the American missionary who knew he was going into the country illegally to prove a point is a complete idiot. He would have a better chance of surviving a rabid lion attack with sausages tied around his neck. He says he is doing it to prove they have violated human rights. Duh, we know they have. Now you make more work for our politicians in order to save your ass. Why can't people think about these things before acting out?

Enough is Enough

I thought that things were going to work out. Boy was I a fool. So I sit in my little house with egg on my face while the darling boyfriend continues to disrespect me. Why? Because he can and he is an idiot. He doesn't know what he has and continues to make me the bad guy. I have had enough. I am done. He can take his "everyone owes me attitude" and cram it.

Then, I read the news. Apparently there was a terrorist plot on one of the airlines. Are you kidding me? The TSA is tightening the rules. How did they let this happen again? Did they honestly think that no one would try to attack us during one of the USA's treasured holidays. WAKE UP! Enough is enough. You need to continually have tough screenings because you never know when the next attack is. For heaven's sake, we are sending in more troops to Afghanstan. You don't think someone will be pissed. HELLO!

Thank Goodness! I was wrong!

There are sometimes in my life that I cherish the fact that I am wrong. Yesterday was one of them. I found out that I have received false information about the darling boyfriend. He is not cheating on me. In fact, he never even thought about it. I am really glad I was wrong. However with that said, he still is not moving with us this spring. Why? Because he is not going to live up to his end of the relationship and he is admitting that. He wants me to pay for his mistakes monetarily. I am not going to do that. So he says he is not going to be stuck somewhere. So in the spring, we will no longer be together.

The way I see it, I spent ten years butting together the MegaBeast's credit score into the lovely package it is today. Mine went down the hole. So I have to work on mine. That is what my plan is for next year. Fixing my fianancial profile. Alot will be done. For one, my 401K loans will be done at the end of the year. The MegaBeast's payments will be done by spring. I will be in my final year for my car. My back taxes will be paid off. I am getting a nice tax return this year. I am going to pay things off and get back on track. Plus I am moving into a better house. So the new year looks good. It's funny because all the even years are good years. All the odd years suck ass. So Bugs and I will be better off next year. Hooray!

With that in mind, I think of Obama's TARP. The government was pleasantly surprised by the fact that most of the banks are repaying their loans ahead of schedule. I believe the government thought the banks would wait till the last minute to pay them back. So they were happy they were wrong. Then the administration decided instead of dipping back into the deficit for the money for jobs, why not use the payback for the new program. OH NO! You can't do that. You have to put it in and then take it back out. WHAT! That is like depositing it into the back and taking it back out. Why do that if you have the cash in hand? It makes sense to me but maybe I am the only one.

Salvaging the Unsalvagable

I recently became aware of darling boyfriend's latest fling. He slept with another woman. I received this tip through a mutual friend who witnessed the incident. Believe it or not, I was not surprised. I had an inclination that something was going on but I couldn't prove it. Now I know. Yes, I was upset. I was shaking and sick to my stomach. However, I didn't cry. I have no more tears to shed. Something else he has taken from me.

I thought I could keep it all inside and tell him that I know after Christmas. But the more it sat in me the more it festered and gnawed at me. So I had to tell him. I told him he has till 12/27 to get out. He is no longer welcome. He denies it but not enough. I asked him to prove me and the source wrong. He said no. That answered the question. Our family is not good enough to fight for. So what can I do? I could beg. I could plead. But why salvage the unsalvagable. Apparently, he doesn't feel this relationship is important so why should I?

As this incident is happening, I read about Chris Henry's death. He was talented player and it is a shamed that he died. But did he ever come to the ephiphany that I did? I hope that not only justice is served but she feels regret, remorse, and total loss for her actions. Some people's temper builds them from what their actions could lead to. May the heavens shine down on Mr. Henry's family in their time of need.

Pardon My Greenhouse Gas!

About three years ago, I had to make a decision to get gastric bypass done. I weighed a whopping 344lbs. My father, who at the time of his death at 47, weighed around 400lbs. I could see that i was headed down the same path. So I chose another. Three years and 214lbs later, I have conquered my food obession. But now instead of wondering what I am going to eat next, I wonder when am I going to eat next. You see I am on a very strict eating schedule. On this schedule, my choices of food is limited. No grease, no high sugar content, no high carbs, lots of protein, lots of whole grains, little dairy, lots of vegetables, limited fruits. Good healthy eating. However, there are times that I get off my schedule to due to time, family, or work life. This causes major havoc on my system. I can become nauseous, irritable, sore, my stomach can become very painful. When this happens my food options are drastically reduced to the safe foods. These safe foods help settle my stomach so I don't bring them back up. The list is very short: potatoes (usually mashed), cheese, crackers, or soup (usually broth based like miso or French onion). If I don't eat something on this short list, gas immediately builds. This causes a very bad social interaction with other people. I will let your imaginations play with it for a while.

In one instance, I had a bad two months. Bugs was sick. I had alot of personal errands (sister got married, work was gearing up for a major customer meeting, family reunions, and so forth). I got off my schedule for two months. My stomach was in tatters. Gas seemed to be a perfume of choice (eewww gross). It was so bad that some people went to HR and said that I wasn't bathing. Yep, people actually do that here. So needless to say that it was embrassing and I have had to go back on schedule and shape up. My darling family and boyfriend have stated that I need to pass out gas masks when this happens. I do not find this amusing.

With this information in mind and listening to the radio on the way to work, I hear of the Copenhagen Climate Conference. It boggles my mind how all these countries want to be paid for keeping the Earth in safe stable working order. Why? Shouldn't it be our duty to make sure that we keep our environment clean? Don't we want future generations to breath better, to see a whale, to long to see the rainforests of South America, have clean drinking water. Or better yet: Not have to live underground due to the amount of smog that is in the air chocking the life out of everything above ground?

I read an article where the "Governator" was calling Sarah Palin a complete dumbass because she doesn't believe that man's impact on the Earth can cause significant climate change. Are you serious? She never ceases to amaze me with the words that come out of her mouth. It is man's pollution that is causing the greenhouse gases. It is man's overfishing that is causing the fish population to decline. It is man's deforestation projects that is leading to the decline in "fliters" for the greenhouse gases. You are from a state where climate change directly and immediately affects your state. Polar bears, seals, walrus, fish, glaciers are these not part of your state.

This is what I don't understand. Alot of the diplomats are saying that they need to worry about the economy first before they can even think about worrying about the environment. But if there is no environment, there will be no economy to worry about. Some people are just too greedy. What is the deal with China? Do they want the world to pave their way to everything? I don't get their logic anymore. I use to at least see where they are coming from because of my major in college. But now it is like they think that they are better than everyone. How about you learn from others mistakes and show the world just how awesome you are? Oh, wait, I think I have had this same conversation with the darling boyfriend.

Wondering Eye or Delusional Surveryor

So last night, I went out with a friend who I dated sometime ago. Now, we are both divorced and are either in a relationship or playing the field. Anyway, we reconnected because outside of the dating arena we are pretty good friends. We have the same interests and like doing the same things. We can hold down an adult conversation but not too serious. We in general have a good time. However, when it comes to the relationship part we suck. Loudly and downright pathetically. I am too needy and he is too distant. I am more vocal and he is too quiet. I am way too affectionate and he is way too subtle. So over all we are better friends.

However, when I was out with my friend, I felt I was being unfaithful to my current realtionship. I don't even know if I would call it a relationship but still I felt some guilt when I was out. I felt that I should be home but I was having fun. I felt free for my two hours of being away from the mom and provider role that I am normally in. We talked about where our lives have gone and where they are going. When I went home, I was finding that I didn't want to be there. Not because of my precious baby sleeping soundly in her bed upstairs but because of the person waiting for me on the couch. I found that I was disconnected from him and somewhat tired of him. I came in and sat couch next to him. He turned around and laid on me. I asked him why he was laying on me. "Do I need a reason for a cuddle?" I giggled. Then a wave of guilt rushed over me.

It wasn't so much as a wave as it was a tsunami. I was drowning in this emotion. I felt like I just spent an exotic weekend in a torrid affair with a mysterious man from my past. I felt like my small indiscretion was going to rip this family that I hold so dear apart. I started cuddling Mr. Man tighter and more affectionately. Then we made our way upstairs and the rest is history. The problem is that my so-called indiscretion was only bowling with some nachos. That was it. Nothing more nothing less. It was two friends catching up on old times. So why did I feel so horrible about it? It is obvious from reading this that I don't feel that way now.

This whole incident reminds me of Tiger Woods and his mistresses. Is it really true that all these women have had relations with him? What really happened that night he wrecked his car? Is there such a thing as privacy when you are a celebrity? Can a relationship ever be healed when the media is in your face 24x7? Here is my two sense on the whole thing.

He is a man. Okay, he is a well profiled man. He is an athlete. He has his share of groupies. Did he sleep with these groupies? I have no clue and honestly I don't really care. However, I will say that groupies want their share in the spotlight. With that said, I would not be surprised if they are either making it up to get on tv or confessing to get the same result. What I think is a real shame is that this family who seems to have been dealing with this privately has had to have this all rehashed again out in public. Nothing like having a semi-fixed issue reopened in front of thousands and millions of people.

I experienced something like this on a much smaller scale. There was a woman who was trying to get with Mr. Man. He wasn't actually discouraging it but he was keeping her at arms length (barely). I found out that she kissed him through a neighbor. I dealt with the issue immediately. We were on our way to a shakey recovery. Three weeks later, a coworker who knows the said neighbor found out about the incident and the whole thing was reopened. The scab was still there and oozing and she ripped it open again. It was the worst month of my life....okay not quite more like second worst month. But this little digression has a point. I feel for Mrs. Woods. I empathize with her about having her private life displayed like she was a side of beef. She is dealing with the cards she has been dealt with in a manner she can live with. It seems that she and her family were doing fine but then the accident happened and the media turned into a feeding frenzy. So Ms. Woods, for what it is worth, I would like to apologize for their intrusion into your life. I don't read anything about it because I don't think it is any of my business and I don't think that most of it is true. The only ones who do is those women, you, and Tiger. May the heavens shine down on you and your family in your time of need and healing. For everyone else, LEAVE THOSE POOR PEOPLE ALONE!

Building Strength

I have blogged (okay more like whined) about someone in my life. Obviously they are not going to listen. So I am going to stop it. Instead I am going to blog about my life and how it is affected by the rest of the world. So here goes....

I am sick. My lovely daughter spread her cutie germs to me which she got from her affectionate father. All last week, I had either one or both of them laying on me telling me how bad they have it. Question: Did you know that a 30 year old man is just as bad in the whiney sick department as a 8 month old little girl? It's true. So now that I am sick, where is my support? Playing with her toys, doing things with his friends. I am alone and miserable. Ahh, the life of a mom. Builds character and strength. Puts hair on your chest.

So this brings me to the health care issue that this country is facing. Here is my question. What about the working people who have employer insurance but is way too high? Will our costs come down? I am paying over $600 a month to cover myself and the munchkin. That is ridiculous. There seems to be a public option and open market this and competition that. But what about the 80% of Americans that actually need affordable insurance at work? That is a great question. The problem is the only answer I am getting is the sound of crickets.

Tough Times with Hope for the Future

Can we learn from out mistakes? Can we see the light at the end of the tunnel or is there a cave-in? Is our rocky road over or should I look for more potholes?

I think that we can make it but you have to try. I have given it all I can but I need you help. Can you do it or will you runaway?

You are difficult. But I love you.

You don't even realize how much. I hate my past. I don't even want to talk about. I just want to start my life over with you and her and not even worry about what happened. It doesn't even matter. It is the past. I have learned from my mistakes. You have learned from your mistakes. We both have issues and things that we can improve on but we are doing them together. We actually work as a team. We are working to make sure that she has the childhood that we never had. We love her. We love each other. We are a family.

Is it possible...

That we can love each other without her? Can we be together without this string? Is she the only thing that binds us? I hope the answer is yes and no. Does that make any sense?

A Point...

There is a point in life with that certain someone that you want to say stop. I have you. Don't worry. I am here if you stumble. The problem is this: Will they listen or continue to travel on their path stumbling and tripping with all refusal for help or guidance?

A Penny for Your Thoughts...

Jobs are not easy. They wouldn't be called work if they were. Take President Obama's job. He has to make a decision whether to send in 40K more troops or let it ride. There are so many variables.
Take my job. I was written up today. Yes, I made mistakes but they are petty in compare to the real issue. The real issue? That is another story and I am too emotional to discuss at this point. However, I do think that it is entirely funny how personal feelings can lead to interoffice politics. Ahh, the life of a working mom.

Join us at your own risk!

~*~ Cashmere Mafia ~*~

Second guessing

I love you. I need you. I want you. You say you love me, but do you? How do I know you won't turn into something dreadful? How do I know you won't give up and walk out? How do I know that I am the only one in your heart? I need to know. Show me. Above all else, just love me.

When one piece falls into place...

another falls onto the floor. Then I think "Oh, look. I almost have the puzzle done!" No, not so much. I will get it all back on track!

Promises Broken

How many times can someone promise to do something and fail to do it? He isn't the same. Where is the man I fell in love with? I wish he was here because I really need him right now.

Does saying it mean that one listens to it?

I would have to say no. I don't think that he listens. How can I get him to understand that I want to be with him forever. Does he fully understand? Does he get it? I have no clue and I don't think that I ever will.

She came over and I tried to play nice. However, my skin was crawling. I really and honestly can't stand her in my house. He, of course, is obvilious about the whole thing. All I can say is she better back off. I am hoping she gets my subtle hints of bitchiness. I know that he loves me and would never go. However, everyone else has, so why not him?

Is the worst over?

I think that everything has settled between Zach and I. He has calmed down his "hobby", which is good. He is paying more attention to Bianca and I. Now if we can just get back to our schedule. Back to our routine. That is the hardest part. Our house is such a mess since Bianca was born. Moving and having a baby are two huge things and shouldn't be done at the same time. However, we don't work like that. We have to to everything at once.

The real question for me is: Do I want to marry this man? There are moments where nothing seems more logical. I love him. He loves me. We have Bianca together. Then there are moments where that is anything else but logical. He is immature. He is selffish. He is stubborn. Someone suggested to me that I make a list of pros and cons. However, the list for either side depends on the mood I am in. I want him in my life forever. I have kinda of done that with Bianca. However, I do want us to be together. But this time around I am going to do it right. I have been reading alot of articles on line about second marriages marrying first timers. It is interesting. Alot of second marriages fail more than the first time. That worries me. But then again, everything worries me. I guess I need to take it one day at a time.

Is the worst over or just beginning?

Witchy-Poo